bee_bops_a_lula

i have till friday...just sit wait and hope. dammit. how could i be so fuckin irresponsible and i got myself into this mess with all the waiting, its not really worth it!! but fuck, count on me to mess that up. I just dont know what the hell im going to do. I'm really scared and uncertain right now. fuck.

CRAPPPP! I FORGOT BOUT THIS!!!

maybe im just a fool for believing all of you, that its just some scheme, and really your just gunna make me suffer and crumble. Dont tell me though. I'm perfect believing your true. Let me believe and be stubborn, i dont want to ruin the feeling. I miss you clara....i dunno if you left to mexico yet, but im happy for you that your actully going, but yeah....i miss you. I'm excited about my nothing plans for the rest of the summer.

am i really depressed? i unno, i felt happy last night, but i dont feel happy with the direction my life is going in with all the mistakes i've made and sins i've committed...i just dont know anymore, and i feel like i can care less really. and thats my problem. fuck.

i figureed out my problem!!!

I am such a horny sex fiend!! I nnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddddddddd it, and I'm not gunna be happy till i get some. HAH, Dad, try and help me with that!!! the least you can do is get me a vibrator....i bet it really comes in handy in my needy times like this, i always thought you wanted you little girl to be happy, right right?

gimme gimme gimme sex
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NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!

note to self: never let dad help you on any "poetry" asignments, ever...

its really funny and ironic when your parents actully come out and say "I dont know what your going though". First of all they get all suspicious on your mood of that day, then you try to explain to them that nothing is wrong and you're just in a not so great mood becuase of nothing and you just gotta do a project thats due the next day but your mood has nothign to do with that. Then they try to explain that you gotta do what you got to do when you already know that whole talk, and they're just blind of what your real problem is, which they think is your homework so they try to help you on a poem you're trying to analyze and say that the father the author is writing about is a family abandoning selfish music freak, and then you can make them feel stupid and say that music is his way of live and what he lives for and he really is just trying to share it with his love ones....then they can walk out of the room and feel stupid..30 minutes just gone by with parent explanations...

But i dont think my dad is stupid. he's just not putting deep meaning into feelings and stuff like that, hes just use to living simple.

But really what gives the idea that they think I'm just another air head teenager with a stupid project to do? haha well yeah make your assumptions.

I'm so sick of materialistic points of views. Where did all the meaning go??? I hope its not behind the couch, it'll get sucked up in the vaccum cleaner and clog it up with all the rest of the bullshit.

I want to be more out there...more open...more hyper...more talkative...more of a person...ghadgpkhasgklnafjdvknadsvnavafjdkasd get me out of this anti social shell puhleeesseee!

Oh Gosh I deffinately love talking to tiffany and lynn over the internet, its great!
The next full moon is on thursday. I remember once I lied under the moon watching it pass by the sky in late winter, it was so great and it gives off great vibes. I've become a loser for all that stuff, maybe I'm just pretending i see a deeper side in it and im only kidding myself, cause the me i can remember didn't give a shit and i was sooo rebelish, cause of that punk rock time i was in. Nowwww im litening to tiger army. I want to be at the beach....

This is me...I love astrology.


If you were born under the sign of Cancer the crab you are intuitive, emotional, maternal, sympathetic, domestic, retentive, sensitive, and helpful. You can also be too cautious, brooding, touchy, manipulative, sorry for self, lazy, negative, and selfish.

Cancer is a cardinal water sign, its planetary ruler is the Moon and its opposite sign is Capricorn.


Its so great to think back when we had no shame, when we had nothing to loose, when we were the awesome ones....When we werent afraid to say what we pleased, say what we felt, and knew we were there for each other.....When we didnt care who listened cause it was just life....When it alright to be idiots, and still be cool for that. <3 when we sang What I Got, even though we had no voice. Thats where i feel i belong, but i've got to adapt.

Well i dont really care who sees this. here im always gunna tell exactly what im feeling or thinking or whatever. Whats the point of hiding things? anywho.... haha i just got a call from that someone, i can care less bout that though. Cause I'm alright today. I have problems, but whatever, shit happens. Life is life, if i fuck it up then i gotta find a better way to live, blabhlahblahblabhlahblahblahblahblahblahblah. I'm pretty happy now, the only thing i needed were the people i do trust, the ones i can tell them anything and be fully comfortable with, hah im a looser freshman. <3.

=) things could be better but im content

I have a wierd feeling of optomism and determination that makes no sense.

I'm listening to strung out, and i'm loving it.

I'm a sucker for poetry....even though i cant write my own

I have tons of homework but i don't seem to care

I want a basket and bell for my bike

I absolutely love the following people in no specific order: My brother John, Clara, Lynn, Tiffany, My cousin erica, my cousin candice, Kathy, Madelynn. They mean the most to me right now =). Ohh i cant forget my cat.

i cant read harry potter cause thoughts are blocking my mind from imagination. that or it just broke down. i need to do homework anyway.

well so far the weekend has been........hard to say. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID lack of emotion. its really ironic, cause a lot of emo type people have livejournals, and a lot of asians have xangas, but i guess this does make me emo, even though i dont have so many emotions. I only cried on friday suprisingly, and i was totally fine yesterday after wakeboarding and swing dancing, but just till this moment i'm starting to feel more like crap, and due to my lack of emotion i dont know if im either sad, or mad, or whatever anymore. Why did i make myself this way? well anyway...i'm stuck in a hole and it doesnt look like things would get better. Its funny when people say i have a "perfect" life but whatever, i dont think i wanted that, and i just found a way to screw it all up! fuck. i can never decide what i really want. Things always change. I dont know anything anymore, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck i want everything to change. Changing myself didnt work quite so the last time so why the fuck am i wanting to change is even a mystery to me. i'm a thinker, i think quite a lot through instead of using emotions, which probably is exactly what my problem is. No matter what, i'd always be a thinker, I dont think i'm comfortable to act with my emotions. I dont think fast which always is my problem, I want to fuckin runaway from everything and maybe if i force my self to want companionship, maybe wondering alone is just the thing for me. I can never trust myself can i? Fuck it. dont you see what i mean by thinker? I'm myself's psychiatrist, but i just seem to be giving the wrong advice. i am selfish and i can only seem to care about myself, thats the way it's always going to be no matter if i try to care bout others and i think i care about others, i'm just doing it for myself which brings me back to being selfish anyway, to something you can actully understand... I would like to swing the night away, to any music, inculding country, even if its by myself.

maybe livejournal can help with my emotion issue.

well yeah i cried again after the fact, that one phone call. He couldn't say it at first and i wasnt crying until the end, when he was thinking i was crying and said to try and stop crying, then said he couldn't listen and hung up. I didn't fully let myself out until my mom and brother left, and then i just bawled... I've cried like i never had before. Hows that for lack of emotion? well thats still my problem, and i dont want to find other things to think about and i want to know what to do to try and get atleast a grip on myself. Fuck, i'm always so lost, if you wouldn't know better, you wouldn't think i wasnt emo.

That title just sounded oh so totally emo,but i dont care!! anyway. I have this feeling now that i can never trust anyone...i want to move away and start again cause people are such assholes. I have been so fucking decived for quite sometime, and some of the people i thought i was suppose to trust are just fucking getting on my fucking nerves!!!!! FUCKKKKKK. If you know me, then you know I don't normally curse, but the people i thought i loved is being a fucking bitch and i cant control it. Mostly to let you know, when i say people, i mostly mean guys.. go figure. Why the fuck do i trust people so easily? Fuck, seriously I spent last night crying, i'm probably just wasting tears but what am i suppose to do about it. I thought i was fucking done being hurt. FUCK!